Ten Signs She/He is Not the One

(This is a piece from my forthcoming collection of spoof clickbait.)

  • They repeatedly call you by the wrong name and their eyes glace over as if trying to recall a far-off memory, when you ask them to use your real name.
  • They take you shopping as a special treat but “accidentally” forget about you while you’re in the toilet and drive off, feigning ignorance when you call to ask where they are.
  • They rearrange the letter magnets on the fridge to spell out “go away” or “piss off”.
  • You find them with your brother or sister in a compromising position and they say they thought it was you, even though you look nothing alike.
  • They take out their phone during sex and sign up to a dating site.
  • They eat your food and tell you, you didn’t need it anyway, because you’ve put on a few pounds.
  • They invite you out for dinner, then introduce you to their other boyfriend/girlfriend
  • You walk in on the end of a phone conversation and hear them say, “That’s where I buried the body.”
  • None of their exes can be traced and he/she is vague on the details; saying something along the lines of they moved away and don’t use social media.
  • When you’re in public together people say things like “I hope you last longer than the last one.”

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