Ten Signs She/He is Not the One

(This is a piece from my forthcoming collection of spoof clickbait.)

They repeatedly call you by the wrong name and their eyes glace over as if trying to recall a far-off memory, when you ask them to use your real name.
They take you shopping as a special treat but “accidentally” forget about you while you’re in the toilet and drive off, feigning ignorance when you call to ask where they are.
They rearrange the letter magnets on the fridge to spell out “go away” or “piss off”.
You find them with your brother or sister in a compromising position and they say they thought it was you, even though you look nothing alike.
They take out their phone during sex and sign up to a dating site.
They eat your food and tell you, you didn’t need it anyway, because you’ve put on a few pounds.
They invite you out for dinner, then introduce you to their other boyfriend/girlfriend
You walk in on the end of a phone conversation and hear them say, “That’s where I buried the body.”
None of their exes can be traced and he/she is vague on the details; saying something along the lines of they moved away and don’t use social media.
When you’re in public together people say things like “I hope you last longer than the last one.”